No solace from Quantum

This is a glaring example of why we need planning and servicing in every brand exercise.

Quantum looks like it was written hastily by a trainee writer and quickly released patli-gully style in the absence of the CD or even the sup.

Had there been at least a planner involved she’d have told Haggis n co that you can’t be different by simply doing away with the brand identity. Be different by all means, but stick to the core values.

If only this guy had first presented this script to a brand team.

Haggis: Ok guys, check this. The film opens post Casino Royale.

Servicing: Look, you can’t launch a sub-brand for no reason. Plus it’ll have the additional burden of living up to the standard of CR.

(Which, we all know, it didn’t)

H: Eh, tu chupp kar, suit. Tujhe kya pata sequel ke baare mein.

S: Shrug.

H: So then this is a very different kind of script. Pukka Cannes Gold. No ‘Bond. James Bond.’

Planner: But dude, that’s the brand identity!

H: Tum MBA types ka yehi problem hai. This is a creative script.

P: But…

H: Shaddup. So then no intro. No asking for martini etc. It’s so ‘done to death’.

P: (About to say something but shuts up)

H: No saying ‘Shaken not stirred’ etc.

S: But those are the brand values.

H: You can’t restrict creativity with brand values.

S: I want to work on another brand.

H: Go right ahead. Aage suno. No sex either.

S: This is the first time I’ve heard a Creative guy say that! Are you gay?

H: Gay hoga tera baap. So this is a Bond sloshing with emotion.

P: Bond? Emotional?

S: (Pinches P.)

P: Sorry. Go on.

H: No smart-ass funny one-liners.

P: (can’t control himself) But that’s what makes him endearing to the TG.

(on his knees) Please keep those.

H: Chal theek hai. Do chaar daal denge. You haven’t heard the best part yet.

Tada! No gadgets.

At this point, P and S, though ostensibly listening, are quickly keying in their resignation letters.

S: So you’ve told us all that won’t be there. Now tell us what actually will be there.

H: Tum log saala dispatch mein naukri karo. Aise stupid questions poochhte ho.

P: No, no. (wipes beads of sweat). We’re just asking so we know what to tell the client.

H: Hmm. It’ll have loads of action from start to end. Bond kills everybody who comes within his range of vision. Shooting, stabbing, punching and lots of gore.

P: This will look like a Bond on probation cramming in all this violence to get his confirmation.

H: Shaddup, you $%^#$%.

S: No, seriously. This won’t sell. The TG will not like it.

H: F@#$ the TG.

S: Ok. Why don’t you sell this script yourself.

H: Saala phokat ka pagaar khaata hai.

So maybe the film would still have got made. As is. But at least there would be a couple of guys smirking and nudging each other every time Haggis would pass by. At least he wouldn’t be able to even get a cup of coffee from the machine in peace.